True Feelings



Can someone like me not show their true feelings? Must someone like me have keep everything in, since i've only just recently been able to a little bit more open but it looks like i'm going back to sqaure one. Okay i get it i'm a example to other people but can't i also show my imperfections? That i also i've got problems? Bt then again i guess your thinking i'm being stupid and that i'm supposed to be more optimistic. Yep i'm encouraging people and so i shouldn't show them my other side because it might discourage them right? there's no other place i can put these feelings, yea i can write them in my book but no ones going to read it, i can tell someone but the thing is they find it annoying and 'will they be able to understand?', or they might think this person is too depressing. I know i can tell God but sometimes even people like me need someone to lean on but who? Please remind me again, i think i've lost the feeling. I feel like i'm closing up again bt i don't think i could through it all.
   Am i just too full of myself? keep thinking of whats wrong with me, why i am the way i am or maybe i just feel tired and isolated. Why do i feel that i'm making the world revolve arround me? I wish i didn't think so much of myself, maybe if i did more i wouldn't feel this way. I wouldn't have to think of myself so much, cause it shouldn't be about me.

What do i need the most right now? How do i sort this all out?

(I'm not pointing at anyone, this is how i truly feel)

How do i look forward to Sunday?

For the last few weeks i haven't been really looking forward to going to church, this is because as some of you know my church has no youths and have to go to the main service, cause my chinese isn't that good i don't understand most of the time. So for the past few weeks iv went into a room on my own, when the main service went on, and i did my own bible study. Last week they didn't let me because my mum was preaching and she said it was something good, so i went into the main service but i still didn't gain anything even though i listened to what she was trying to say, and this week i asked my parents whether i could go into the small room again and do my own bible study and time with God, because i don't think i gained anything from the main service and instead of just wasting time i thought i might aswell take the advantage right? But she said no. This got me real angry, my parent told me,'if you don't understand then go to the english service in the morning, we'll go twice a month.' I was thinking but that doesn't reali help though because i'd still be goin to chinese church learning nothing, yet they still repeated the same thing. They also said to me, 'you being there in the main service encourages other people to stay' but i responded, 'well they understand so it's okay for them but it doesn't do me any good.' And then my mum said, 'If you want a youth group at church we can pray about it.' and again i thought, 'like i haven't been praying but that's not my point.' I want to come out of church every week and take something from it even if it's just a little bit. I just feel that if i keep going to church and don't learn anything i will go back to square one and i REALLY don't want that, after having such an experience with God during this summer.

 I've been thinking today that most of the churches i've been to, i seem to be the only youth or the only youth who's Christian and i just think WHY? Why God? What is your purpose for me to be the only only youth or Christian youth? Today in service the talk was about God providing for you, like if you have faith in Him God will give you all you need. So when i got home i felt/remind me that God was trying to tell me that God has a prupose for me in the future, i know that many of the times i won't feel like going but i got to endure it. Keep reading His words in the morning.
    Few weeks ago i felt that God wanted me to guide the Youths here to Christ, yea okay i'm fine with that but how? Show me how God! Show me how to reach out to them!

I just pray that God will do something amazing because i'm just getting so tired of the same thing every week at church, waiting for service to finish, looking forward to go home. I want to be able to look forward to church every week instead of thinking, 'Oh it's another sunday at church of nothing.' I try to think that okay i'm doin this for God so i should give Him praise anyways, but i doesn't really work.

Please pray for my church and me Thanks.

Where love starts..

Recently i've been thinking about my parents, i mean they're already old, i mean like old as in i'm meant to be the age of their grandchild (scary!), basically what i'm saying is they don't have much time left, well they might live a long life but you never know right? And knowing that my parents don't have much time left kinda scares me you know, when they do leave me i don't want to feel regret that i didn't spend enough time with my parents, the people that gave birth to me, looked after me my whole life, the two people who truly love me the most for who i am and want the best for me. I duno if you understand what i'm trying to say, it might sound kinda depressing cause my parents aren't like dead yet, but it's made me think that parents are precious people, you can't choose or replace them. God has choosen your parents for you, your earthly parents. I know i don't exactly always treat my parents right that's why i wanna show more respect to my parents because they have had to put up with so much. I know this might sound fake to you or maybe it's just one of those moment kinda things but right now i think my parents are amazing people. I want to try to treat them well, make happy memories with them, show how much i love them before it too late. I don't what i will do if my parents left me but i don't want to regret and feel guilt, parents deserve so much more. I thank God for showing me that before i start showing love to other people or starting any kind of relationship, i have to start with my family i need to pay more attention to my parents. Friends you can make anytime time but parents you only get once.

Our God is LOVE

[Verse 1]

Every soul, every beating heart
Every nation, and every tongue

Come find hope in the love of the Father

All creation will bow as one

Lift their eyes, see the risen Son

Jesus Saviour, forever and after

[Chorus]

This is love

Jesus came and died and gave His life for us

Let our voices rise and sing for all He's done

Our fear is overcome

Our God is love

[Verse 2]

Every distant and broken heart

Every prayer, every outstretched arm

Finding hope in the love of the Father

Age to age let His praises rise

All the glory for all of time

Jesus Saviour, forever and after

[Bridge]

Age to age, we will be singing

In the light of all He's done

All the earth, everyone singing

In the wonder of His love

Being Blessed

This is just a collage of a few friends that i'm blessed with..wanted to make a bigger collage with other people but i couldn't >.<

but i still LOVE u all!

Moving Forward = Life Changing

It's been a while since i wrote in this blog, i wrote before but i only wrote halfway but i gave them up and ended up never finishing them but im avoiding that this time!....So yea where do i start? SO yea before PHAT i was thinking about alot of things, like what iv done my life, why i'm in the situation i am now ect just basically LIFE. I thought about it alot.
    One of the things was when i moved alot when i was young, i never thought about it much i just went along with it cause it was my parents job and so we had to move around but before Phat i felt really lonely like i would never really talk to anyone or really be able to share with anyone, okay i would talk to people sometimes on msn most most of the time, mostly when it got nearer to Phat camp i would just be online not doing anything. I felt really lonely most of the time. I had a hard time trusting people only because i didn't think they would understand me and would judge me, i would keep things all to myself, it was SO hard.  (Like you can see from my previous Posts) No one really knew what was really going on in my life and how i really felt, unless i told them.
   A second thing i thought about was, well it kinda links in with the 'being lonely' thing, where i could see that all my friends always seemed to be having a good time, hangout with other people. Also mostly my Christian friends i would be jealous of. I would be jealous because they would all have their own youth group, like have a circle of friends where they belonged. I didn't have that. I knew i couldn't be a part of the bond that people had in their youth group. And so i became jealous of people which then lead to anger, being angry at God asking 'why am i in this situation?' 'Why do i have to be in a Churches with no Youth?' 'Why me?' WHY! and then it led to hating my friends. Everytime my friends showed that they cared i felt that it was fake, even though i knew that they probably did care but to me it just felt fake. I knew it was wrong but i couldn't help feeling it, i didn't know how to stop it. So i closed myself myself from the world, just watched afar at people happiness. I thanked God for the things God had given me but what i was most craving for was able to feel love from friends, being understood and my friends showing they cared for me, even they did i wanted to be able to truly know and feel it myself. So yea they were the main thing i thought about before Phat.
         I was asked to be Leader this year at Phat so i said yes but i still had the feeling of jealous and hatred. I went to Leaders Camp just expecting a new experience and getting closer to God. But God let me experience something else, he showed me that i should forgive my friends and confess to them, and ask for forgiveness and so i did that. These are the people i was most jealous of, Emma Liu & Theodora Tsang. I learnt hat God put me in this situation because he has a purpose for me and i wouldn't be alone forever. I confessed to Emma and i was really surprised because when she replied back it was something that i wasn't ever expecting, God used my confessing in a positive way to Emma, and so i shouldn't be ashamed of what iv done cause God will use it in His own way. The fact that God put me in this situation, where Lincoln is so far from everyone, there is no youth group, and no poeple round my age that are christian, i felt that God wanted me to lead the Youth, especially the Chinese youth, to Christ. I know its gona be a challenge and i will struggle but i shouldn't give up and hav faith in God.
   Another thing that experienced was at Phat Camp on Wensday, and i went to the workshop about Leadrship and i got emotional but not enough to cry. After the talk i just remained in my seat, feeling 'bleh' and Matt Coulson came up to me and asked me, if i was okay and i told him yea, he told me i was in a thinking mood and that finished, i just felt rubbish the rest of the day. At night when we were praying for the campers and everyone was really emotional but i just kinda still felt bleh, once i finished praying i didnt really hav anything to do so i just went and sat on the chair, i was just sitting on my own not really expecting anyone to really take notice of me, and then Ivan Wan came up to me and we we're talkin, the way we usually do, and then when he said 'why are you always angry?' i started to cry (i wasn't crying because of that) and then after our conversation was finished he walked off. Then Dave and Jason Wan came over and checked up on me and asked me if i was okay and i said yea, they prayed for me and then my tears just started coming down, not even knowing the reason why. Once all the emotionals stuff finished i felt that God was showing me and telling me, that he has given me really good friends who support me and how much they care for me, new and old friends. Thank you guys! LOVE you all!! My mui muis, my gor gors, ah jais, ah suks, everybody! Yous guys are a blessing and i should appreciate you guys more! & i love GOD!!!!
 

Let's PHAT!

我的心, My Heart

You'd think that keeping everything to yourself , invisble to everyone else, would be easy, time would pass and everything you ever thought about or happened would eventually  fade away but NO. You think at first everything is fine, you've done it so many times before why not the same this time? Wrong, it starts to catch up with you, building up, you feel suffocated, all those thought, feelings and memories all stored up not even a word said to anyone. The pain you've kept for so long you thought that had long gone, but still lingers inside. It's like a butterfly trapped inside a tight, small glass bottle, struggling to get out, no one can hear you, so scared and almost giving up Hope but then a hand reaches out and opens the door to your freedom and when they do, you fly so fast and far that you never look back, you just keep moving forward. Now you wish someone knew about it all, knew about you're pain, that you didn't hide it but yet it's still unknown. People talk about they're pain, other people's pain and you think 'what about me?' 'Can't you see i'm suffering too.' You try to tell people however to other people they don't see HOW MUCH it affects you. Your whole life, your whole being. The Hope of someone who understands you and will respond with the words that you've earned for so long, not words that are just said once and then people forget, not words ordinary words but words that will set me FREE.

My Foolishness..

If you've worked so hard for the whole week, everyday, every minute at school and you've had an art examtoday then for the last day of the week you have to complete a music compostition which you had months to prepare for but your reason was you kept running away because you didnt think you could do it and the other half of the reason could be you couldn't be bothered. Well some people would say that it's you own fault right? You've had months to prepare but you've left it last minute. So you decide to pray to God to ask for a miracle, don't you think thats's foolish? It was your own laziness that caused you to do it last minute and now your asking God to do a miracle? Isn't that just asking too much? The phrase 'Try your best and God will do the rest.' But if you havent tried your best would God still help you? I know God is a loving God but doing something good for someone that was they're own fault, it just makes a person feel so guilty. His love is too great. I'm not saying that i don't believe that God can't do miracles but relying on God, isn't that just called laziness? I know i'm being a hypocrite and all. I know it's my fault. I know i don't deserve any of his love or grace but i just reali ask and pray to God. I know i'm being reali foolish but i don't know what else to do, i'm tired so i seek Him for rest, i know i can't really do anything now, i've tried my best it's not good enough cause i've left it so late. So if i fail or God doesn't answer my prayer then i know i should have worked harder and that what happened was my own fault.

I'm just so foolish to just keep asking for a miracle and yet i know it's my fault. Whether God does make a miracle happen is up to him, i just leave it to all to Him.

My Saviour, Comforter & Father ♥

Yea so my mum is on her way to Singapore and Malaysia for a month. Couple of weeks before i didn't want her to go, i felt like such a lose, it felt like my mum had gone forever, the piece of missing a piece of you. I guess my mum has always been there and she does everything so i feel so relaxed but when knowing she's gona been gone for a long time it's feels like there's a hole where my heart is. My mum went away once for a few months, for seminary before, and i couldn't stop crying. I REALLY think my failure in music was a grace from God, he made it something beautiful. After that it really changed me, help me grow spiritually and mentally. I feel at peace and knowing that i can achieve my exams, if it try mardest and also with God's support. He comforted and reassured me and so now i can let my mum go on her holiday and have a break! I reali thank God alot, like with my whole heart, my everything. Even though i know God is there it doesnt mean that i should slack of be lazy. I just keep praying that God will give me the ability to remember and long attention span :P and keep seeking Him.

It's like the Christian Band, Eleventyseven 'How it feels' it's basically how i feel at the moment with God...

Something's different and I can't explain it

It's like I'm breathing in sunshine

It's taken over and I can't contain it

This love is changing me

It brought me to my knees

Now it's teaching me to fly.

And also Manafest-Everytime you Run, from the new Chase Album (Chorus)

Every time you run, every time you hide

Every time it hurts, every time you cry

Every time you run away, every time you hide your face

And it feels so far away, Im right here, with you

This reminds of when i was in my most diffcult and loniest time but now God has saved i don't feel that anymore.

John Wilson: Saviour, Please

I try to be so tough

But i'm just not strong enough

I can't do this alone, God i need you to hold on to me

I try to be good enough

But i'm nothing without your love

Saviour, Please keep saving me

These are the exact words that i felt and remind me when i tried to deny the person that i was, and when i did accept myself this is how i felt during my music exam and upcoming exams but God gave me peace and reassurance.

I AM SO BLESSED. NO WORDS CAN EXPLAIN HOW THANKFUL I AM. ♥

Exams

Okay the fact that teachers are telling me that i havent failed in my Music As is a little reassuring but i doubt it's true. Recently after my Music performance exam i havent really wanted to do music. Iv just been missing the lessons but the Head of Sixth Form kept persisting me to do it and my teacher saying, 'it's just one exam you can get it out and done with and forgot about it afterwards.' I just got told today that i didnt fail in performance but somehow i doubt that. The one reason they are persisting me is because they are paying £1000 for my course and so that they dont the school's money they want me to carry on the course. I did a music test paper today i got quiet alot right...i was told what i needed to revise which kinda helped but i duno i think it's just the pressure. I know there's more harder stuff in life than A levels. I just got to get through this right? I don't know what God is planning or what he's doing but i will put my trust in him. So this means that i shouldn't skip anymore music lessons and pray that God will protect me and maybe let me enjoy music?
I just remembered that why am i running away? If i have faith in God why am i still running away? Doesnt that mean i dnt trust him? If i do have faith in God then i shouldn't runaway i should take a stand.

 Lately after NEEC iv been listening to Christians songs trying to look for comfort and looking answer's from God, and yea i look in the Bible for answers aswell. I listen the lyrics carefully and try to understand what they mean and one of my favourite songs are Till' i see you by Hillsong. The first few lines of the song is:

The greatest love that anyone could ever know

That overcame the cross and grave to find my soul

And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home

I'll trust in You

I guess to me these lyrics, well they're self-explanatory, but just to explain what it means to me like until i reach Heaven where everything is just perfect and be with God i have to have trust in Him. Trust Him with all my heart. I know they might not be anything special but to me what i'm going through they're pretty meaningful. Sometimes i might forget but i'm reminded everyday. :)

<3

The Answer to my failure ...(Nick Vujicic)

'You will find strength to get back up.'

This is a guy who has limbs but still lives life to the full, he's able to play golf, swim and play football. In one of His talks he said that he felt there was no point in School, he didn't think he could get into university. He also said,

'On the way you will fall down, so you get back up. However you feel you don't have the strength to get back up when you fall down. 100 times you try to get up and 100 times you fail, if you fail and you give up are you EVER going to GET UP? Well you when you fail you try again and try again and again and again. It's not the end...Are you goin to finish strong? YOU WILL FIND STRENGTH TO GET BACK UP'

Nick's words really got to me, he has no limbs but yet be was able to go Uni and do everything else. He felt like giving that there was no hope in Life. However he learned to never give up. You just got to keep trying and and trying until you can get up, if you don't you will stay down and never back up.

Even right now i am struggling but i will look for strenght in God. I just got to keep trying. Just trust in Him and take everything step by step. I will love Him no matter what happens. I know i will struggle and loose strength but God will give me strength....

'You will find strength to get back up.'

I seek in the Lord

After my music exam i have felt kinda down i duno how to describe the feeling but i feel that i will fail my exams and since they are so close and cause of my problem so it's even harder for me, i know that God is there and i am seeking Him. These are some few verses that have given me encouragement few these couple of days and keeping me going:

Have i not commanded you? Be Strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." [Joshua 1:9]

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and i am helped. My heart leaps for you and i will give thanks to him in song. [Psalm 28:7]


Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. [1 Peter 5:7]

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. [Psalm 62:5]

Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. [Ephesians 6:10]

When you pass through the waters, i will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned the flames will not set you ablaze. [Isiah 43:2]

I lift up my eyes to the hills-where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker os Heaven and earth. [Psalm 121:1-2]


He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  [Isaiah 40:29]

I know i can't do this by myself and so i'm waiting and seeking.
I really wish that i could be at NEEC or Phat camp the whole time and not worry about anything else but i guess life isn't like that. The trails and obstacles in life make us stronger spiritually and physically. How don't know how this anxiety will last but i still look up to God and praise and know that he has a plan, even though sometimes i am disappointed but i have to have faith and trust in him. I surrender my all to Him.

Dear God,


I pray that even though i know you have made something good out of my failure but Lord why do i still feel like i will not be able to overcome this mountain. I seek you Lord and trust you. I know you are here with me but Lord i need you to show me more of you. I pray Lord that you will give me courage, patient, strength, wisdom, knowlegde, good memory and the motivation to work hard. I look up to you Lord and i see you, but i feel that you are so still. Make me strong in you. All i need is you. I cant do this myself it's too much for me but with you Lord i can do so much more. I just pray with all my heart. I know you are listening. May you make my heart still. 'The Lord is my Shepherd; I have everything i need. He lets me rest in green pastures. He leads me to calm water. He gives me new strength. He leads me on paths that are right for the good of his name...i will not be afraid, because you are with me. Your rod and your staff comfort me..Surely your goodness and love will be with me all my life, and  i will live in the house of the Lord forever' I just pray this prayer Lord that you will hear me and will know my heart as i seek you.


I pray in Jesus name AMEN.

Okay...so i thought that i could be like everyone else, being able to depend on themselves, being capable of doing things that normal people could do. However because i was born with Cerebral Palsey it not only affects my leg muscles but also part of my brain, which includes problems with numbers and short term memory. Before i never ask for help never really relied on anyone i thought i could do it myself, that i was strong, but i realised today at some point in life you will need help and rely on someone, you can't do everything by yourself. It has just recently hit me about my mental problem and that it is finally affecting me big time as alevel is alot is not alot harder than GCSE. I need help. After what happened, havng my exam, reality has hit me. I used to take my subjects lightly like i had done in GCSE but because i already have exams coming up theres no time to waste. The other week i saw part of Desperate Housewives (i dont reali watch it i only saw like a clip of it) and it was about one of the Housewives who had a son that had leg problem (always on cructhes,limping,he couldnt really do anything for himself), couldn't walk properly and his mother supported him throughout his whole and thought him how to be independent but that the opposite for me but still does'nt meant i dnt need help. I havent reali been close with my mum but after what happened to day which was a disaster i think God made it into something good, he helped me and my mum bond closer. My parents has always supporting me and i never really thought about it much. After watching Desperate Housewives i realised that they are always there to support me because of my 'disability' and it's only been today that i really looked for their help.

Another thing is that i never really told anyone about my Cerebral Palsey because iv always been paranoid about what other people thought of me, that thier view of me would change, and that they would notice my problem and keep staring about my feet, cause some people wouldnt even notice that i had it until i told them. I never really told anyone also because i didn't want anyone to look down on me and become friends with me out of pity. Yea thats another thing, sorry guys but sometimes i just think that i know you are my friends but just sometimes i think you become friends out of me cause of sympathy and pity but i don't want to think like that, i know that you guys like me for who i am. Hope you can understand what i'm trying to say here. So yea cause of this i've had difficulty trusting people, well i don't really share with people just keep stuff all to myself. I'm not pointing anything at you guys but i thought i should share a little.

And also i'm not as smart as other people because of the damage in my brain, so i guess you can call me stupid? :P Told you i had a reason! Kekeke~

But yea i just felt that i had to share this and i hope you guys kinda understand what im saying cause iv tried to talked to people about this kinda stuff but i dnt reali think they understood. And its kinda the first time iv talked about it in this much depth.