It's been a while since i wrote in this blog, i wrote before but i only wrote halfway but i gave them up and ended up never finishing them but im avoiding that this time!....So yea where do i start? SO yea before PHAT i was thinking about alot of things, like what iv done my life, why i'm in the situation i am now ect just basically LIFE. I thought about it alot.
One of the things was when i moved alot when i was young, i never thought about it much i just went along with it cause it was my parents job and so we had to move around but before Phat i felt really lonely like i would never really talk to anyone or really be able to share with anyone, okay i would talk to people sometimes on msn most most of the time, mostly when it got nearer to Phat camp i would just be online not doing anything. I felt really lonely most of the time. I had a hard time trusting people only because i didn't think they would understand me and would judge me, i would keep things all to myself, it was SO hard. (Like you can see from my previous Posts) No one really knew what was really going on in my life and how i really felt, unless i told them.
A second thing i thought about was, well it kinda links in with the 'being lonely' thing, where i could see that all my friends always seemed to be having a good time, hangout with other people. Also mostly my Christian friends i would be jealous of. I would be jealous because they would all have their own youth group, like have a circle of friends where they belonged. I didn't have that. I knew i couldn't be a part of the bond that people had in their youth group. And so i became jealous of people which then lead to anger, being angry at God asking 'why am i in this situation?' 'Why do i have to be in a Churches with no Youth?' 'Why me?' WHY! and then it led to hating my friends. Everytime my friends showed that they cared i felt that it was fake, even though i knew that they probably did care but to me it just felt fake. I knew it was wrong but i couldn't help feeling it, i didn't know how to stop it. So i closed myself myself from the world, just watched afar at people happiness. I thanked God for the things God had given me but what i was most craving for was able to feel love from friends, being understood and my friends showing they cared for me, even they did i wanted to be able to truly know and feel it myself. So yea they were the main thing i thought about before Phat.
I was asked to be Leader this year at Phat so i said yes but i still had the feeling of jealous and hatred. I went to Leaders Camp just expecting a new experience and getting closer to God. But God let me experience something else, he showed me that i should forgive my friends and confess to them, and ask for forgiveness and so i did that. These are the people i was most jealous of, Emma Liu & Theodora Tsang. I learnt hat God put me in this situation because he has a purpose for me and i wouldn't be alone forever. I confessed to Emma and i was really surprised because when she replied back it was something that i wasn't ever expecting, God used my confessing in a positive way to Emma, and so i shouldn't be ashamed of what iv done cause God will use it in His own way. The fact that God put me in this situation, where Lincoln is so far from everyone, there is no youth group, and no poeple round my age that are christian, i felt that God wanted me to lead the Youth, especially the Chinese youth, to Christ. I know its gona be a challenge and i will struggle but i shouldn't give up and hav faith in God.
Another thing that experienced was at Phat Camp on Wensday, and i went to the workshop about Leadrship and i got emotional but not enough to cry. After the talk i just remained in my seat, feeling 'bleh' and Matt Coulson came up to me and asked me, if i was okay and i told him yea, he told me i was in a thinking mood and that finished, i just felt rubbish the rest of the day. At night when we were praying for the campers and everyone was really emotional but i just kinda still felt bleh, once i finished praying i didnt really hav anything to do so i just went and sat on the chair, i was just sitting on my own not really expecting anyone to really take notice of me, and then Ivan Wan came up to me and we we're talkin, the way we usually do, and then when he said 'why are you always angry?' i started to cry (i wasn't crying because of that) and then after our conversation was finished he walked off. Then Dave and Jason Wan came over and checked up on me and asked me if i was okay and i said yea, they prayed for me and then my tears just started coming down, not even knowing the reason why. Once all the emotionals stuff finished i felt that God was showing me and telling me, that he has given me really good friends who support me and how much they care for me, new and old friends. Thank you guys! LOVE you all!! My mui muis, my gor gors, ah jais, ah suks, everybody! Yous guys are a blessing and i should appreciate you guys more! & i love GOD!!!!
Let's PHAT!
