我的心, My Heart

You'd think that keeping everything to yourself , invisble to everyone else, would be easy, time would pass and everything you ever thought about or happened would eventually  fade away but NO. You think at first everything is fine, you've done it so many times before why not the same this time? Wrong, it starts to catch up with you, building up, you feel suffocated, all those thought, feelings and memories all stored up not even a word said to anyone. The pain you've kept for so long you thought that had long gone, but still lingers inside. It's like a butterfly trapped inside a tight, small glass bottle, struggling to get out, no one can hear you, so scared and almost giving up Hope but then a hand reaches out and opens the door to your freedom and when they do, you fly so fast and far that you never look back, you just keep moving forward. Now you wish someone knew about it all, knew about you're pain, that you didn't hide it but yet it's still unknown. People talk about they're pain, other people's pain and you think 'what about me?' 'Can't you see i'm suffering too.' You try to tell people however to other people they don't see HOW MUCH it affects you. Your whole life, your whole being. The Hope of someone who understands you and will respond with the words that you've earned for so long, not words that are just said once and then people forget, not words ordinary words but words that will set me FREE.

My Foolishness..

If you've worked so hard for the whole week, everyday, every minute at school and you've had an art examtoday then for the last day of the week you have to complete a music compostition which you had months to prepare for but your reason was you kept running away because you didnt think you could do it and the other half of the reason could be you couldn't be bothered. Well some people would say that it's you own fault right? You've had months to prepare but you've left it last minute. So you decide to pray to God to ask for a miracle, don't you think thats's foolish? It was your own laziness that caused you to do it last minute and now your asking God to do a miracle? Isn't that just asking too much? The phrase 'Try your best and God will do the rest.' But if you havent tried your best would God still help you? I know God is a loving God but doing something good for someone that was they're own fault, it just makes a person feel so guilty. His love is too great. I'm not saying that i don't believe that God can't do miracles but relying on God, isn't that just called laziness? I know i'm being a hypocrite and all. I know it's my fault. I know i don't deserve any of his love or grace but i just reali ask and pray to God. I know i'm being reali foolish but i don't know what else to do, i'm tired so i seek Him for rest, i know i can't really do anything now, i've tried my best it's not good enough cause i've left it so late. So if i fail or God doesn't answer my prayer then i know i should have worked harder and that what happened was my own fault.

I'm just so foolish to just keep asking for a miracle and yet i know it's my fault. Whether God does make a miracle happen is up to him, i just leave it to all to Him.

My Saviour, Comforter & Father ♥

Yea so my mum is on her way to Singapore and Malaysia for a month. Couple of weeks before i didn't want her to go, i felt like such a lose, it felt like my mum had gone forever, the piece of missing a piece of you. I guess my mum has always been there and she does everything so i feel so relaxed but when knowing she's gona been gone for a long time it's feels like there's a hole where my heart is. My mum went away once for a few months, for seminary before, and i couldn't stop crying. I REALLY think my failure in music was a grace from God, he made it something beautiful. After that it really changed me, help me grow spiritually and mentally. I feel at peace and knowing that i can achieve my exams, if it try mardest and also with God's support. He comforted and reassured me and so now i can let my mum go on her holiday and have a break! I reali thank God alot, like with my whole heart, my everything. Even though i know God is there it doesnt mean that i should slack of be lazy. I just keep praying that God will give me the ability to remember and long attention span :P and keep seeking Him.

It's like the Christian Band, Eleventyseven 'How it feels' it's basically how i feel at the moment with God...

Something's different and I can't explain it

It's like I'm breathing in sunshine

It's taken over and I can't contain it

This love is changing me

It brought me to my knees

Now it's teaching me to fly.

And also Manafest-Everytime you Run, from the new Chase Album (Chorus)

Every time you run, every time you hide

Every time it hurts, every time you cry

Every time you run away, every time you hide your face

And it feels so far away, Im right here, with you

This reminds of when i was in my most diffcult and loniest time but now God has saved i don't feel that anymore.

John Wilson: Saviour, Please

I try to be so tough

But i'm just not strong enough

I can't do this alone, God i need you to hold on to me

I try to be good enough

But i'm nothing without your love

Saviour, Please keep saving me

These are the exact words that i felt and remind me when i tried to deny the person that i was, and when i did accept myself this is how i felt during my music exam and upcoming exams but God gave me peace and reassurance.

I AM SO BLESSED. NO WORDS CAN EXPLAIN HOW THANKFUL I AM. ♥