Exams

Okay the fact that teachers are telling me that i havent failed in my Music As is a little reassuring but i doubt it's true. Recently after my Music performance exam i havent really wanted to do music. Iv just been missing the lessons but the Head of Sixth Form kept persisting me to do it and my teacher saying, 'it's just one exam you can get it out and done with and forgot about it afterwards.' I just got told today that i didnt fail in performance but somehow i doubt that. The one reason they are persisting me is because they are paying £1000 for my course and so that they dont the school's money they want me to carry on the course. I did a music test paper today i got quiet alot right...i was told what i needed to revise which kinda helped but i duno i think it's just the pressure. I know there's more harder stuff in life than A levels. I just got to get through this right? I don't know what God is planning or what he's doing but i will put my trust in him. So this means that i shouldn't skip anymore music lessons and pray that God will protect me and maybe let me enjoy music?
I just remembered that why am i running away? If i have faith in God why am i still running away? Doesnt that mean i dnt trust him? If i do have faith in God then i shouldn't runaway i should take a stand.

 Lately after NEEC iv been listening to Christians songs trying to look for comfort and looking answer's from God, and yea i look in the Bible for answers aswell. I listen the lyrics carefully and try to understand what they mean and one of my favourite songs are Till' i see you by Hillsong. The first few lines of the song is:

The greatest love that anyone could ever know

That overcame the cross and grave to find my soul

And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home

I'll trust in You

I guess to me these lyrics, well they're self-explanatory, but just to explain what it means to me like until i reach Heaven where everything is just perfect and be with God i have to have trust in Him. Trust Him with all my heart. I know they might not be anything special but to me what i'm going through they're pretty meaningful. Sometimes i might forget but i'm reminded everyday. :)

<3

The Answer to my failure ...(Nick Vujicic)

'You will find strength to get back up.'

This is a guy who has limbs but still lives life to the full, he's able to play golf, swim and play football. In one of His talks he said that he felt there was no point in School, he didn't think he could get into university. He also said,

'On the way you will fall down, so you get back up. However you feel you don't have the strength to get back up when you fall down. 100 times you try to get up and 100 times you fail, if you fail and you give up are you EVER going to GET UP? Well you when you fail you try again and try again and again and again. It's not the end...Are you goin to finish strong? YOU WILL FIND STRENGTH TO GET BACK UP'

Nick's words really got to me, he has no limbs but yet be was able to go Uni and do everything else. He felt like giving that there was no hope in Life. However he learned to never give up. You just got to keep trying and and trying until you can get up, if you don't you will stay down and never back up.

Even right now i am struggling but i will look for strenght in God. I just got to keep trying. Just trust in Him and take everything step by step. I will love Him no matter what happens. I know i will struggle and loose strength but God will give me strength....

'You will find strength to get back up.'

I seek in the Lord

After my music exam i have felt kinda down i duno how to describe the feeling but i feel that i will fail my exams and since they are so close and cause of my problem so it's even harder for me, i know that God is there and i am seeking Him. These are some few verses that have given me encouragement few these couple of days and keeping me going:

Have i not commanded you? Be Strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." [Joshua 1:9]

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and i am helped. My heart leaps for you and i will give thanks to him in song. [Psalm 28:7]


Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. [1 Peter 5:7]

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. [Psalm 62:5]

Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. [Ephesians 6:10]

When you pass through the waters, i will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned the flames will not set you ablaze. [Isiah 43:2]

I lift up my eyes to the hills-where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker os Heaven and earth. [Psalm 121:1-2]


He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  [Isaiah 40:29]

I know i can't do this by myself and so i'm waiting and seeking.
I really wish that i could be at NEEC or Phat camp the whole time and not worry about anything else but i guess life isn't like that. The trails and obstacles in life make us stronger spiritually and physically. How don't know how this anxiety will last but i still look up to God and praise and know that he has a plan, even though sometimes i am disappointed but i have to have faith and trust in him. I surrender my all to Him.

Dear God,


I pray that even though i know you have made something good out of my failure but Lord why do i still feel like i will not be able to overcome this mountain. I seek you Lord and trust you. I know you are here with me but Lord i need you to show me more of you. I pray Lord that you will give me courage, patient, strength, wisdom, knowlegde, good memory and the motivation to work hard. I look up to you Lord and i see you, but i feel that you are so still. Make me strong in you. All i need is you. I cant do this myself it's too much for me but with you Lord i can do so much more. I just pray with all my heart. I know you are listening. May you make my heart still. 'The Lord is my Shepherd; I have everything i need. He lets me rest in green pastures. He leads me to calm water. He gives me new strength. He leads me on paths that are right for the good of his name...i will not be afraid, because you are with me. Your rod and your staff comfort me..Surely your goodness and love will be with me all my life, and  i will live in the house of the Lord forever' I just pray this prayer Lord that you will hear me and will know my heart as i seek you.


I pray in Jesus name AMEN.

Okay...so i thought that i could be like everyone else, being able to depend on themselves, being capable of doing things that normal people could do. However because i was born with Cerebral Palsey it not only affects my leg muscles but also part of my brain, which includes problems with numbers and short term memory. Before i never ask for help never really relied on anyone i thought i could do it myself, that i was strong, but i realised today at some point in life you will need help and rely on someone, you can't do everything by yourself. It has just recently hit me about my mental problem and that it is finally affecting me big time as alevel is alot is not alot harder than GCSE. I need help. After what happened, havng my exam, reality has hit me. I used to take my subjects lightly like i had done in GCSE but because i already have exams coming up theres no time to waste. The other week i saw part of Desperate Housewives (i dont reali watch it i only saw like a clip of it) and it was about one of the Housewives who had a son that had leg problem (always on cructhes,limping,he couldnt really do anything for himself), couldn't walk properly and his mother supported him throughout his whole and thought him how to be independent but that the opposite for me but still does'nt meant i dnt need help. I havent reali been close with my mum but after what happened to day which was a disaster i think God made it into something good, he helped me and my mum bond closer. My parents has always supporting me and i never really thought about it much. After watching Desperate Housewives i realised that they are always there to support me because of my 'disability' and it's only been today that i really looked for their help.

Another thing is that i never really told anyone about my Cerebral Palsey because iv always been paranoid about what other people thought of me, that thier view of me would change, and that they would notice my problem and keep staring about my feet, cause some people wouldnt even notice that i had it until i told them. I never really told anyone also because i didn't want anyone to look down on me and become friends with me out of pity. Yea thats another thing, sorry guys but sometimes i just think that i know you are my friends but just sometimes i think you become friends out of me cause of sympathy and pity but i don't want to think like that, i know that you guys like me for who i am. Hope you can understand what i'm trying to say here. So yea cause of this i've had difficulty trusting people, well i don't really share with people just keep stuff all to myself. I'm not pointing anything at you guys but i thought i should share a little.

And also i'm not as smart as other people because of the damage in my brain, so i guess you can call me stupid? :P Told you i had a reason! Kekeke~

But yea i just felt that i had to share this and i hope you guys kinda understand what im saying cause iv tried to talked to people about this kinda stuff but i dnt reali think they understood. And its kinda the first time iv talked about it in this much depth.