True Feelings



Can someone like me not show their true feelings? Must someone like me have keep everything in, since i've only just recently been able to a little bit more open but it looks like i'm going back to sqaure one. Okay i get it i'm a example to other people but can't i also show my imperfections? That i also i've got problems? Bt then again i guess your thinking i'm being stupid and that i'm supposed to be more optimistic. Yep i'm encouraging people and so i shouldn't show them my other side because it might discourage them right? there's no other place i can put these feelings, yea i can write them in my book but no ones going to read it, i can tell someone but the thing is they find it annoying and 'will they be able to understand?', or they might think this person is too depressing. I know i can tell God but sometimes even people like me need someone to lean on but who? Please remind me again, i think i've lost the feeling. I feel like i'm closing up again bt i don't think i could through it all.
   Am i just too full of myself? keep thinking of whats wrong with me, why i am the way i am or maybe i just feel tired and isolated. Why do i feel that i'm making the world revolve arround me? I wish i didn't think so much of myself, maybe if i did more i wouldn't feel this way. I wouldn't have to think of myself so much, cause it shouldn't be about me.

What do i need the most right now? How do i sort this all out?

(I'm not pointing at anyone, this is how i truly feel)

How do i look forward to Sunday?

For the last few weeks i haven't been really looking forward to going to church, this is because as some of you know my church has no youths and have to go to the main service, cause my chinese isn't that good i don't understand most of the time. So for the past few weeks iv went into a room on my own, when the main service went on, and i did my own bible study. Last week they didn't let me because my mum was preaching and she said it was something good, so i went into the main service but i still didn't gain anything even though i listened to what she was trying to say, and this week i asked my parents whether i could go into the small room again and do my own bible study and time with God, because i don't think i gained anything from the main service and instead of just wasting time i thought i might aswell take the advantage right? But she said no. This got me real angry, my parent told me,'if you don't understand then go to the english service in the morning, we'll go twice a month.' I was thinking but that doesn't reali help though because i'd still be goin to chinese church learning nothing, yet they still repeated the same thing. They also said to me, 'you being there in the main service encourages other people to stay' but i responded, 'well they understand so it's okay for them but it doesn't do me any good.' And then my mum said, 'If you want a youth group at church we can pray about it.' and again i thought, 'like i haven't been praying but that's not my point.' I want to come out of church every week and take something from it even if it's just a little bit. I just feel that if i keep going to church and don't learn anything i will go back to square one and i REALLY don't want that, after having such an experience with God during this summer.

 I've been thinking today that most of the churches i've been to, i seem to be the only youth or the only youth who's Christian and i just think WHY? Why God? What is your purpose for me to be the only only youth or Christian youth? Today in service the talk was about God providing for you, like if you have faith in Him God will give you all you need. So when i got home i felt/remind me that God was trying to tell me that God has a prupose for me in the future, i know that many of the times i won't feel like going but i got to endure it. Keep reading His words in the morning.
    Few weeks ago i felt that God wanted me to guide the Youths here to Christ, yea okay i'm fine with that but how? Show me how God! Show me how to reach out to them!

I just pray that God will do something amazing because i'm just getting so tired of the same thing every week at church, waiting for service to finish, looking forward to go home. I want to be able to look forward to church every week instead of thinking, 'Oh it's another sunday at church of nothing.' I try to think that okay i'm doin this for God so i should give Him praise anyways, but i doesn't really work.

Please pray for my church and me Thanks.

Where love starts..

Recently i've been thinking about my parents, i mean they're already old, i mean like old as in i'm meant to be the age of their grandchild (scary!), basically what i'm saying is they don't have much time left, well they might live a long life but you never know right? And knowing that my parents don't have much time left kinda scares me you know, when they do leave me i don't want to feel regret that i didn't spend enough time with my parents, the people that gave birth to me, looked after me my whole life, the two people who truly love me the most for who i am and want the best for me. I duno if you understand what i'm trying to say, it might sound kinda depressing cause my parents aren't like dead yet, but it's made me think that parents are precious people, you can't choose or replace them. God has choosen your parents for you, your earthly parents. I know i don't exactly always treat my parents right that's why i wanna show more respect to my parents because they have had to put up with so much. I know this might sound fake to you or maybe it's just one of those moment kinda things but right now i think my parents are amazing people. I want to try to treat them well, make happy memories with them, show how much i love them before it too late. I don't what i will do if my parents left me but i don't want to regret and feel guilt, parents deserve so much more. I thank God for showing me that before i start showing love to other people or starting any kind of relationship, i have to start with my family i need to pay more attention to my parents. Friends you can make anytime time but parents you only get once.

Our God is LOVE

[Verse 1]

Every soul, every beating heart
Every nation, and every tongue

Come find hope in the love of the Father

All creation will bow as one

Lift their eyes, see the risen Son

Jesus Saviour, forever and after

[Chorus]

This is love

Jesus came and died and gave His life for us

Let our voices rise and sing for all He's done

Our fear is overcome

Our God is love

[Verse 2]

Every distant and broken heart

Every prayer, every outstretched arm

Finding hope in the love of the Father

Age to age let His praises rise

All the glory for all of time

Jesus Saviour, forever and after

[Bridge]

Age to age, we will be singing

In the light of all He's done

All the earth, everyone singing

In the wonder of His love

Being Blessed

This is just a collage of a few friends that i'm blessed with..wanted to make a bigger collage with other people but i couldn't >.<

but i still LOVE u all!

Moving Forward = Life Changing

It's been a while since i wrote in this blog, i wrote before but i only wrote halfway but i gave them up and ended up never finishing them but im avoiding that this time!....So yea where do i start? SO yea before PHAT i was thinking about alot of things, like what iv done my life, why i'm in the situation i am now ect just basically LIFE. I thought about it alot.
    One of the things was when i moved alot when i was young, i never thought about it much i just went along with it cause it was my parents job and so we had to move around but before Phat i felt really lonely like i would never really talk to anyone or really be able to share with anyone, okay i would talk to people sometimes on msn most most of the time, mostly when it got nearer to Phat camp i would just be online not doing anything. I felt really lonely most of the time. I had a hard time trusting people only because i didn't think they would understand me and would judge me, i would keep things all to myself, it was SO hard.  (Like you can see from my previous Posts) No one really knew what was really going on in my life and how i really felt, unless i told them.
   A second thing i thought about was, well it kinda links in with the 'being lonely' thing, where i could see that all my friends always seemed to be having a good time, hangout with other people. Also mostly my Christian friends i would be jealous of. I would be jealous because they would all have their own youth group, like have a circle of friends where they belonged. I didn't have that. I knew i couldn't be a part of the bond that people had in their youth group. And so i became jealous of people which then lead to anger, being angry at God asking 'why am i in this situation?' 'Why do i have to be in a Churches with no Youth?' 'Why me?' WHY! and then it led to hating my friends. Everytime my friends showed that they cared i felt that it was fake, even though i knew that they probably did care but to me it just felt fake. I knew it was wrong but i couldn't help feeling it, i didn't know how to stop it. So i closed myself myself from the world, just watched afar at people happiness. I thanked God for the things God had given me but what i was most craving for was able to feel love from friends, being understood and my friends showing they cared for me, even they did i wanted to be able to truly know and feel it myself. So yea they were the main thing i thought about before Phat.
         I was asked to be Leader this year at Phat so i said yes but i still had the feeling of jealous and hatred. I went to Leaders Camp just expecting a new experience and getting closer to God. But God let me experience something else, he showed me that i should forgive my friends and confess to them, and ask for forgiveness and so i did that. These are the people i was most jealous of, Emma Liu & Theodora Tsang. I learnt hat God put me in this situation because he has a purpose for me and i wouldn't be alone forever. I confessed to Emma and i was really surprised because when she replied back it was something that i wasn't ever expecting, God used my confessing in a positive way to Emma, and so i shouldn't be ashamed of what iv done cause God will use it in His own way. The fact that God put me in this situation, where Lincoln is so far from everyone, there is no youth group, and no poeple round my age that are christian, i felt that God wanted me to lead the Youth, especially the Chinese youth, to Christ. I know its gona be a challenge and i will struggle but i shouldn't give up and hav faith in God.
   Another thing that experienced was at Phat Camp on Wensday, and i went to the workshop about Leadrship and i got emotional but not enough to cry. After the talk i just remained in my seat, feeling 'bleh' and Matt Coulson came up to me and asked me, if i was okay and i told him yea, he told me i was in a thinking mood and that finished, i just felt rubbish the rest of the day. At night when we were praying for the campers and everyone was really emotional but i just kinda still felt bleh, once i finished praying i didnt really hav anything to do so i just went and sat on the chair, i was just sitting on my own not really expecting anyone to really take notice of me, and then Ivan Wan came up to me and we we're talkin, the way we usually do, and then when he said 'why are you always angry?' i started to cry (i wasn't crying because of that) and then after our conversation was finished he walked off. Then Dave and Jason Wan came over and checked up on me and asked me if i was okay and i said yea, they prayed for me and then my tears just started coming down, not even knowing the reason why. Once all the emotionals stuff finished i felt that God was showing me and telling me, that he has given me really good friends who support me and how much they care for me, new and old friends. Thank you guys! LOVE you all!! My mui muis, my gor gors, ah jais, ah suks, everybody! Yous guys are a blessing and i should appreciate you guys more! & i love GOD!!!!
 

Let's PHAT!

我的心, My Heart

You'd think that keeping everything to yourself , invisble to everyone else, would be easy, time would pass and everything you ever thought about or happened would eventually  fade away but NO. You think at first everything is fine, you've done it so many times before why not the same this time? Wrong, it starts to catch up with you, building up, you feel suffocated, all those thought, feelings and memories all stored up not even a word said to anyone. The pain you've kept for so long you thought that had long gone, but still lingers inside. It's like a butterfly trapped inside a tight, small glass bottle, struggling to get out, no one can hear you, so scared and almost giving up Hope but then a hand reaches out and opens the door to your freedom and when they do, you fly so fast and far that you never look back, you just keep moving forward. Now you wish someone knew about it all, knew about you're pain, that you didn't hide it but yet it's still unknown. People talk about they're pain, other people's pain and you think 'what about me?' 'Can't you see i'm suffering too.' You try to tell people however to other people they don't see HOW MUCH it affects you. Your whole life, your whole being. The Hope of someone who understands you and will respond with the words that you've earned for so long, not words that are just said once and then people forget, not words ordinary words but words that will set me FREE.